Do not be an arsehole to the wait staff.
Do not snap your fingers to get the attention of the wait staff… it’s rude AF.
Do not look at your phone when a member of the wait staff is talking to you.
Do not interrupt the wait staff when they are taking another table’s order.
Do not ignore the wait staff when they tell you the specials, then ask them what the specials are.
Do not treat the wait staff as slaves… you are no better than them.
Do not touch the wait staff.
Do not hit on the wait staff.
Do not have a phone conversation on speaker…. it’s rude AF.
Do not walk into a restaurant and just sit anywhere.
Do not forget to say “please” and “thank you”… it’s not fucking difficult.
Do not ask for items that aren’t on the menu.
Do not let your screaming little mofos be screaming little mofos… you’re not at home… remember?
Do not block the entire restaurant with your big fuck off screaming little mofo pram / stroller.
Do not stack your empty plates… yes, you’re only trying to help, but leave it to the professionals.
Do not make the wait staff run back and forth a gazillion times as you continually ask for extra items.
Do not arrive in a group of 17 people and expect a table without a booking.
Do not make a reservation for 17 people and then not turn up.
Do not arrive in a group of 17 people 3 minutes before the restaurant closes.
Do not say you are ready to order when you are not ready to order.
Do not be one of those annoying “allergic” types… “I’m allergic to any food with a vowel in its name.”
Do not pretend to have a deadly food allergy when you just don’t like Brussels sprouts.
Do not ask for weird-arse substitutions… “Swap the vegetables for Venezuelan Beaver Cheese.”
Do not complain if you have to pay for additional items you order… “Why can’t I have that extra lobster for free?”… fuck off.
Do not forget to tip.
Do not forget to push in your chair as you leave.
Do not be an arsehole in a restaurant.
©Do not be an arsehole.