Do not be the loud talking arsehole… STFU.
Do not leave your disgusting plates and cups in the sink… filling a dishwasher isn’t actually rocket science.
Do not be a rude arsehole during meetings… even if it’s a 907 slide PowerPoint, at least feign some vague interest.
Do not create 907 slide PowerPoints.
Do not stay in the office until billionty o’clock pretending to be an overworked martyr… even Joan of Arc went home.
Do not create unnecessary meetings… everybody hates meetings… send an email.
Do not send unnecessary emails… if it’s something simple, get off your arse and talk to your colleague in the next cubicle.
Do not randomly start talking to your colleague in the next cubicle especially when it’s obvious they are ignoring you.
Do not scream at / harass / bully / hit on your colleagues in any way… it’s not 1983.
Do not be the oversharer… no one wants to hear a blow-by-poke account of your colonoscopy and see the IMAX movie.
Do not be the tight-arse arsehole… when the collection for Trevor from accounts comes around, fucking contribute.
Do not steal people’s food from the fridge… unless it is fish that they are about to…
Do not fucking cook fish in the microwave.
Do not be the arsehole who is always late.
Do not be the arsehole who invented open-plan offices… they are annoying as fuck.
Do not be a brown-nose arsehole and reply all to a company-wide email.
Do not be that wacky and zany arsehole with a wacky and zany arsehole Teams background.
Do not be a mansplaining arsehole.
Do not be an arsehole in the office.
©Do not be an arsehole.