Do not block out hot desks or meeting rooms and ghost them… cancel them, FFS.
Do not use annoying AF buzzwords… don’t “move the needle to boil the ocean”, while “empowering ninjas across the food chain”. STFU.
Do not eat pungent food at your desk – no fish, spicy food, or that spawn of Satan… Brussels sprouts.
Do not be a gross arsehole who thinks the sink is a magical dishwasher staffed by elves.
Do not drag your plague-ridden arse into the office… stay the hell at home if you are sick.
Do not stink the office out with your disgusting body odour… yes, everyone knows it’s you.
Do not forget to clean up a meeting room you just used… don’t leave coffee cups and other crap behind.
Do not be passive-aggressive in emails and Teams chats… “as per my last email…” or “Just circling back on this again.”
Do not be constantly late to meetings… you’re not really that important. Manage your time better.
Do not be the loud annoying office arsehole… with constant personal calls on speakerphone about your tragic love life.
Do not forget to mute Zoom/Teams calls when necessary… nobody wants to hear your screaming little mofo.
Do not steal anyone’s lunch from the fridge or leave yours to ferment for three years so it becomes radioactive.
Do not invade personal space or hover over colleagues’ desks… back the fuck off.
Do not talk over or interrupt anyone in a meeting or Zoom/Teams calls… STFU.
Do not overshare the minutiae of your dull personal life in Teams/Slack chats… surprisingly, nobody cares.
Do not let your mobile phone ring every few minutes with a loud, godawful ringtone… STFU.
Do not be a gross arsehole… wash your hands after using the bathroom.
Do not use “reply all” where your response is irrelevant or unnecessary for the entire group.
Do not overschedule a gazillion meetings with no breaks in between… not everyone is an arse-kissing cyborg like you.
Do not hoard all the office supplies… you don’t need 57 Post-It Note pads.
Do not use shithouse Zoom/Teams backgrounds… fugly virtual offices or “humorous” memes.
Do not be one of those camera-always-off arseholes in Zoom/Teams calls.
Do not bash your keyboard like you’re trying to kill a fucking massive spider.
Do not have a video/audio call without using headphones… STFU.
Do not be an arsehole in the office.
©Do not be an arsehole.