Do not be late… then barge in saying, “Sorry… you wouldn’t believe what happened to me.”
Do not do anything with your mobile phone. Turn it off.
Do not sit in the first few rows… you don’t want to be at the business end anyway.
Do not say, “So where’s the food after this? That went for 3 hours… I’m fucking starving.”
Do not take photos. Especially selfies with the horizontal guest of honour.
Do not post on social media. There’s no need to check in. #funeralvibes
Do not dress inappropriately… save the sheer spandex bike pants for another time.
Do not make it about you. “I was in a head-on car accident once, though unlike Trevor here, I wasn’t decapitated.”
Do not heckle…“‘Trevor was beloved by everyone…’ Fuck off… nobody could stand the bastard!”
Do not bring a date. Who would say yes, anyway?
Do not network / hit on anybody.
Do not use bullshit clichés to the bereaved… “It’s all part of God’s plan” / “She’s crossed the rainbow bridge”. STFU.
Do not talk during the service or eulogies. STFU.
Do not tell the bereaved to “stay strong”. STFU.
Do not say “I know how you feel”. You don’t. STFU.
Do not bring your screaming little mofos if they are going to be screaming little mofos.
Do not remain seated during the service even if you’re a rabid atheist… just stand up and sit down when everyone else does.
Do not bring food or a coffee… and no, that large rectangular hole in the ground isn’t a bin.
Do not make negative comments about the deceased, even if they are well-deserved… “Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke.”
Do not honk your horn during the funeral procession. “Fucking move it! You’re driving so slow!”
Do not bolt out the door as soon as the service has finished… even if the mass went for a day and a half.
Do not ask invasive questions of the bereaved, “So just how fast was Trevor driving when he hit the back of that truck?”
Do not comment on the deceased if it is an open casket, “Nigel looks at rest.” Nigel is not at rest, Nigel is fucking dead.
Do not be an arsehole at a funeral.
©Do not be an arsehole.