Do not sit three grains of sand away from the next person… social distancing is a good thing.
Do not play loud, shithouse music… that’s why someone’s god invented headphones.
Do not play football, soccer, cricket, rugby, baseball, golf, volleyball, hurling, lacrosse, polo… any sport anywhere near anyone else.
Do not smoke anywhere near anyone else… there are no such thing as smoker’s rights.
Do not feed seagulls or any wildlife… except sharks… feel free to feed them with yourself.
Do not be a dickhead pervert… they are just breasts.
Do not pretend to take photos of the beach while taking voyeur photos of the people near you… see dickhead pervert point above.
Do not use a drone… see dickhead pervert point above.
Do not let your screaming little mofos piss everybody off… just because you are at the beach you are still a parent.
Do not scream at your screaming little mofos… pissing everybody off.
Do not speak loudly on your phone… pissing everybody off.
Do not use speakerphone… no one gives a flying fuck about your conversation.
Do not construct a massive cabana/sun shelter thing the size of the Taj Mahal.
Do not have sex… sand in orifices is surely not overly pleasant.
Do not run past anyone… you will kick up sand.
Do not shake your towel like a motherfucker.
Do not let your beach umbrella impale the people next to you.
Do not bring all your living room furniture and every kitchen implement to the beach.
Do not drown… swim between the fucking flags.
Do not ignore the lifeguards… they are trying to save your life.
Do not be one of those metal-detecting arseholes.
Do not leave your rubbish at the beach… find a bin, you lazy bastard.
Do not be an arsehole at the beach.
©Do not be an arsehole.