How To Behave At The Australian Open (without Being An Arsehole)

Do not boo the player you are not supporting as he / she / they / whatever walks onto the court.

Do not sledge / abuse the player you are not supporting… STFU.

Do not call out that “sui” bullshit… this is tennis… in case you haven’t noticed, Cristiano Ronaldo isn’t playing.

Do not make any noise during points… STFU.

Do not yell “Out!”… you’re not the fucking umpire.

Do not bring a massive sign or flag… the people sitting behind you will be extremely pissed off.

Do not bitch about how hot it is… it’s Australia… it’s summer.

Do not stand up in-between points and perform your stupid fanatical organised songs and chants… it’s fucking annoying.

Do not get up out of your seat during play… that beer or piss will have to wait.

Do not clap or cheer when the player you are not supporting serves a double fault or makes an unforced error.

Do not have a conversation on speaker phone… “I’m at the tennis!”… no one gives a shit.

Do not annoy other spectators, players and the universe with your Crazy Frog ringtone… put your phone on silent.

Do not take 3,008 selfies… no one gives a shit.

Do not get up to buy food / beers / anything every 5 minutes.

Do not get pissed on said beers.

Do not use your flash to take a photo of your favourite player from your nosebleed seat in row ZZ… turn it off.

Do not wave one of those bullshit Australian boxing kangaroo flags… it’s not 1983 and this isn’t sailing.

Do not respond to that fucking annoying “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!!” chant.

Do not be an arsehole at the Australian Open.